Right now my heart is heavy. I'm miserable at the moment. Today I found a box. A box full of things from you; of you. Of us. Letters, pictures and other such and such. I was scared to open the box, but I did. And then I touched things, picked them up, and I looked at them. It was hard. Mostly hurt. Yesterday I saw you. Yesterday I talked to you. Yesterday my heart hurt. I wanted to hug you, but I know I screwed up big time. The day before yesterday I found a notebook. A long time ago I started a text journal. Texts from you. Texts about me and you. Some of the sweetest things I've ever heard are written in that notebook. Like how you would eat only vegetables for the rest of your life if you could be with me even though you hate vegetables. And talking about dancing around and singing because of how happy I made you. I read them all. Then I read it again. I laughed. I cried. I smiled. I ached. And then I regretted. I regretted ever having said goodbye to you. This isn't the first time I've felt this way, but I used to be better at pushing those feelings away and ignoring the pain. I burned a lot of bridges the day I said goodbye. I hurt a lot of people. You, your wonderful family, my family, but mostly myself. That's what I get for being defiant and stubborn. For being irrational and jumping into things without thinking them through. Every day I've missed you. Most days I'm thinking about you; wondering about you.
I finally apologized. It's taken me a long time to admit outloud, or even to myself that I was wrong. Too long. Too little, too late, right? You told me you forgave me, but it still hurts. You hurt more at the time, but I hurt more in the end. I'm babbling on right now because I want to talk to you, because I miss you, because I miss us, but I probably shouldn't. So this is making me feel better, and I can say what I would say to you. I'm not quite sure this wound is completely healed yet. Who knows, it might not ever be. And even if it does, I don't think it will have the end result that I want.
I miss your family. I missed them as soon as I said goodbye, and there were many times in the couple of years that have followed that I still find myself missing them. They're wonderful. They were so good to me. They were so welcoming. They were like my family, which made me love them even more. I miss them. I miss the sleepovers. I miss cooking quesadillas with mozarella cheese. I miss making cookies. I miss the laughs. I miss the crazy stories. I miss the friendships.
I'm trying to find comfort. Solace. Peace. The feeling of knowing it's okay however it ends. It's hard. I feel like I've been taking steps in the right direction, but it's a slow process. I'm a little impatient. And I think more than anything I'm wanting it to happen my way. The way where we end up with the happily ever after, but I don't think I get that now. Not now anyways; maybe never. But even if I don't get it my way, I'll always be grateful for you and everything you taught me. Everything you showed me. Everything you did for me. It means more than I could ever tell you.
3.31.2011
3.30.2011
All we need is love
Hey sweet pea,
You're sleeping in your swing now, but we woke up at 5 because you were hungry! Last night we fed you cereal for the first time before your last bottle, and you did so good! We couldn't shovel that stuff in there fast enough to keep you happy. Every little thing you do makes me laugh, and it makes me so proud to be your momma. Yesterday when I got you up, you focused in on me and you gave me the biggest grin. It melted my heart! We smiled, played, cooed, and talked for a good 10 minutes while you grinned at me the whole time. You are the sweetest thing this world has ever known.
This morning while I was feeding you, for some reason I thought about your goofy Aunt Emily. She just got back from choir tour a couple days ago, and we missed her a lot while she was gone. But now that she's back, all she wants to do is love on you! I have two of the greatest sisters, Dawn and Emily, and this makes them the two best aunts for you! They will always love you, listen to you, and guide you when you need it. When you're older, and me and you are not seeing eye to eye on something, or you're frustrated with me because I'm your mom and driving you crazy in the moment, know that Dawn and Emi will always be people you can turn to. They're funny and they always make me laugh. They're loving and know when I need a hug. They always let me talk their ear off if I need to. These are all things they'll do for you as you start to get older as well.
Both of them were at the hospital with me when you were born. They were trying to make me laugh, but I was just so dang tired and wanted you to come out that I wasn't laughing. At the time anyways. Later I told them it was funny, I just didn't have any energy to laugh. Dawn almost missed your birth because you literally came flying out. And she keeps saying that she was so afraid to breathe while filming because it was so quiet in the room. Emily told me that she would deliver you if the doctor wasn't there on time (he almost missed the delivery), and those pictures now make me laugh everytime I look at them.
Aunt Dawn introduced our family to the greatest game ever invented. I can't remember the real name, but we call it Werewolf for short. It's absolutely fantastic, and we're now having Werewolf parties every month. You've attended all of them so far, although I'm sure you won't remember them. (Don't worry- I told everyone that they couldn't kill you, so you've just been an observer for now.) We love games Brylee, so I hope that you will love them too when you're older. I hope you love our family as much as I do. I hope you'll always love me. Even when we're having silly little arguments; I hope you still love me. It's tough growing up, and it seems I've taken the longer, harder path, but you have so many people around you who love you and want the best for you. And I'll keep reminding you that every day.
I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy
You're sleeping in your swing now, but we woke up at 5 because you were hungry! Last night we fed you cereal for the first time before your last bottle, and you did so good! We couldn't shovel that stuff in there fast enough to keep you happy. Every little thing you do makes me laugh, and it makes me so proud to be your momma. Yesterday when I got you up, you focused in on me and you gave me the biggest grin. It melted my heart! We smiled, played, cooed, and talked for a good 10 minutes while you grinned at me the whole time. You are the sweetest thing this world has ever known.
This morning while I was feeding you, for some reason I thought about your goofy Aunt Emily. She just got back from choir tour a couple days ago, and we missed her a lot while she was gone. But now that she's back, all she wants to do is love on you! I have two of the greatest sisters, Dawn and Emily, and this makes them the two best aunts for you! They will always love you, listen to you, and guide you when you need it. When you're older, and me and you are not seeing eye to eye on something, or you're frustrated with me because I'm your mom and driving you crazy in the moment, know that Dawn and Emi will always be people you can turn to. They're funny and they always make me laugh. They're loving and know when I need a hug. They always let me talk their ear off if I need to. These are all things they'll do for you as you start to get older as well.
Both of them were at the hospital with me when you were born. They were trying to make me laugh, but I was just so dang tired and wanted you to come out that I wasn't laughing. At the time anyways. Later I told them it was funny, I just didn't have any energy to laugh. Dawn almost missed your birth because you literally came flying out. And she keeps saying that she was so afraid to breathe while filming because it was so quiet in the room. Emily told me that she would deliver you if the doctor wasn't there on time (he almost missed the delivery), and those pictures now make me laugh everytime I look at them.
Aunt Dawn introduced our family to the greatest game ever invented. I can't remember the real name, but we call it Werewolf for short. It's absolutely fantastic, and we're now having Werewolf parties every month. You've attended all of them so far, although I'm sure you won't remember them. (Don't worry- I told everyone that they couldn't kill you, so you've just been an observer for now.) We love games Brylee, so I hope that you will love them too when you're older. I hope you love our family as much as I do. I hope you'll always love me. Even when we're having silly little arguments; I hope you still love me. It's tough growing up, and it seems I've taken the longer, harder path, but you have so many people around you who love you and want the best for you. And I'll keep reminding you that every day.
I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy
3.25.2011
Things you did today...
...that I loved.
- You kicked so hard during bath time from excitement that I thought you were going to kick yourself right out of your tub. I got it on video so you can see it someday.
- You smiled (big grins!), cooed, and told me stories for a long time today while we laid on the couch together.
- You're finally starting to figure out how your bink works. This makes me happy because my back might stop hurting from bending down and holding it in your mouth for you when you're fussy in your sleep.
- You let me look into your beautiful blue eyes for a while before you fell asleep.
- You sang with me when I sang you "You Are My Sunshine"
Thing I didn't love:
- You are SEVEN weeks old today. Stop growing up so fast sweet pea!
I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy
- You kicked so hard during bath time from excitement that I thought you were going to kick yourself right out of your tub. I got it on video so you can see it someday.
- You smiled (big grins!), cooed, and told me stories for a long time today while we laid on the couch together.
- You're finally starting to figure out how your bink works. This makes me happy because my back might stop hurting from bending down and holding it in your mouth for you when you're fussy in your sleep.
- You let me look into your beautiful blue eyes for a while before you fell asleep.
- You sang with me when I sang you "You Are My Sunshine"
Thing I didn't love:
- You are SEVEN weeks old today. Stop growing up so fast sweet pea!
I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy
3.24.2011
Dearest Daughter,
I love the little patch of fur under your ears that give you an almost elegant sideburn look.
Well done!
Love,
Your adoring mother
Well done!
Love,
Your adoring mother
3.18.2011
Little tidbits
Everyone around me is sleeping. I've racked my brain for something to keep me entertained for the past hour. Well, here I am. And I wonder why people worry about me...
I can't wait to start Zumba, or at least running. I wish my old clothes fit.
I'm obsessed with a few things:
{Brylee}
Diet Coke
Cadburry Eggs (this may be a very good reason as to why my old clothes still don't fit)
Reality TV shows &
FitFlops
I wish someone would create something that could tickle my feet all the time.
Best. Feeling. Ever.
I'm not taking enough pictures of Brylee.
I love when she laughs in her sleep.
I wish I'd stop getting the munchies at 11 o' clock at night or 4 am.
I'm happy to have my car back.
I'm reminded daily of how many opportunities I have to be a better friend. Whoops...
I'm excited to start school in May. Like really excited. Surprisingly.
I have the greatest family ever. They're happy I finally realized this.
I'm back to dancing randomly throughout the day. This was very hard to do with a big belly. Good thing no one can see me dance.
I'm excited for summer!
I'm so grateful to have the mother I do, and I am grateful for my relationship that I have with her.
Because of her,
I'm the luckiest mom in the world. (I'm in the running for the best, too.) <-- That was my attempt at humor. Or sarcasm. Maybe both.
I can't wait to start Zumba, or at least running. I wish my old clothes fit.
I'm obsessed with a few things:
{Brylee}
Diet Coke
Cadburry Eggs (this may be a very good reason as to why my old clothes still don't fit)
Reality TV shows &
FitFlops
I wish someone would create something that could tickle my feet all the time.
Best. Feeling. Ever.
I'm not taking enough pictures of Brylee.
I love when she laughs in her sleep.
I wish I'd stop getting the munchies at 11 o' clock at night or 4 am.
I'm happy to have my car back.
I'm reminded daily of how many opportunities I have to be a better friend. Whoops...
I'm excited to start school in May. Like really excited. Surprisingly.
I have the greatest family ever. They're happy I finally realized this.
I'm back to dancing randomly throughout the day. This was very hard to do with a big belly. Good thing no one can see me dance.
I'm excited for summer!
I'm so grateful to have the mother I do, and I am grateful for my relationship that I have with her.
Because of her,
I'm the luckiest mom in the world. (I'm in the running for the best, too.) <-- That was my attempt at humor. Or sarcasm. Maybe both.
3.13.2011
I am grateful
I'm not quite sure where to begin with this post. I have so much on my mind, and so much to be grateful for that everything I'm thinking is all jumbled up right now.
Monday, March 7, 2011- Typical day in Utah. Beautiful weather and then BAM, it looks like winter again. Typical day for me and Brylee. Wake up before she does, shower, eat, get myself ready. Check. Bathe, feed and change Brylee when she wakes up. Hang out for a bit and then go to visit grandma. (We still didn't have TV and I needed to see The Bachelor: Women Tell All.) Me and my ridiculous obsession for reality TV. I should have left for home when the storm started. Not typical part of the day- Leave grandma and grandpa's for home around 9:20. Tell them we'll text them when we make it home safely. Make sure to tell them I love them and give them both hugs and kisses. Start the trek home in the crappy weather conditions. Make sure to drive extra slow and careful/cautious. I'm terrified driving on the freeway at this point because there are snow rifts in each lane that my car keeps driving over. Pass 3300 South exit and get the WORST gut feeling in the world. The next bit is a blur but my car spins out of control and into the right lane. Have another car crash into me. Feel my heart sink. My breathing starts to pick up. I can't slow my racing heart down. Get out in the blizzard with no coat on and check on the baby. She's fine; she didn't even wake up. Start praying and thanking Heavenly Father. Cry. Apologize to the men in the other car. Call the cops. Call Bryan. Call mom and dad. Thank Heavenly Father. Cry. Be grateful that we were okay; grateful that we didn't roll; grateful for guardian angels. I am grateful for life.
I had a baby. I am single. Not married. I am LDS. I was scared. I was selfish. I was afraid God would punish me. I thought of the worst possible scenarios all during my pregnancy. This brings me to the depth and actual point of this post. Before I got pregnant with my beautiful baby girl, I learned about three families that had each gone through losing a child. One family was my family; a cousin who lost their daughter. Meet Angel Sadie. One family was a family I heard about and started following their story about the loss of their baby girl. Meet Angel Lucy. And one family was a woman I work with who also lost a baby girl. Meet Angel Makenzie. I remember hearing each story for the first time. My heart breaking each time. Tragedy seeping into the lives of great people who, as far as I know, have not done anything to deserve this. I remember crying endless hours, reading each blog post, not knowing how much they truly hurt. And then I remember thinking "What if God is preparing me by knowing these stories? What if I lose a baby, and He is showing me how to cope." I didn't say this outloud because I was so mad at myself for even thinking it. How selfish of me. How ungrateful of me. This was no way to live my life. I've always been a passionate person. I get a little too into books, imagining life as the main character. This was how it was for me reading these blog posts. Trying to imagine life in the shoes of these three women. I couldn't do it. I couldn't imagine the hurt, the anger, frustration, or ask myself all of those unanswered questions.
Before Brylee arrived I decided that I would do everything in my ability to be the best mom I could every day and love her with everything I had. That I would be the best example I could to her. That I would make sure she has everything she will ever need. Teach her those hard life lessons. And lastly make sure she knows how much I love her and how blessed I am to have her in my life. It's hard sometimes. It's hard at 2 in the morning when she's been screaming for two hours, fighting sleep. I'm so exhausted that I'm falling asleep while I'm rocking her. But then I remember these stories, and I remember to cherish every single minute I have with her. Cherish those moments at 2 am. Cherish her little cries. Cherish her ten toes and fingers. Cherish her little smiles. Cherish that toothless grin I see while she's sleeping. Cherish her smell. Cherish all of that beautiful hair she's got. Cherish her big blue eyes that are always focusing on something. Cherish her personality. Cherish her. That is what God wanted to teach me through these stories. To cherish my daughter, to love every moment with her, to remember it all, to document everything. To take lots of pictures, have lots of laughs, and give lots of hugs and kisses.
I am grateful for these three amazing women who give me courage and hope, help me be the best mother I can be, and for sharing their stories through all of the pain.
Monday, March 7, 2011- Typical day in Utah. Beautiful weather and then BAM, it looks like winter again. Typical day for me and Brylee. Wake up before she does, shower, eat, get myself ready. Check. Bathe, feed and change Brylee when she wakes up. Hang out for a bit and then go to visit grandma. (We still didn't have TV and I needed to see The Bachelor: Women Tell All.) Me and my ridiculous obsession for reality TV. I should have left for home when the storm started. Not typical part of the day- Leave grandma and grandpa's for home around 9:20. Tell them we'll text them when we make it home safely. Make sure to tell them I love them and give them both hugs and kisses. Start the trek home in the crappy weather conditions. Make sure to drive extra slow and careful/cautious. I'm terrified driving on the freeway at this point because there are snow rifts in each lane that my car keeps driving over. Pass 3300 South exit and get the WORST gut feeling in the world. The next bit is a blur but my car spins out of control and into the right lane. Have another car crash into me. Feel my heart sink. My breathing starts to pick up. I can't slow my racing heart down. Get out in the blizzard with no coat on and check on the baby. She's fine; she didn't even wake up. Start praying and thanking Heavenly Father. Cry. Apologize to the men in the other car. Call the cops. Call Bryan. Call mom and dad. Thank Heavenly Father. Cry. Be grateful that we were okay; grateful that we didn't roll; grateful for guardian angels. I am grateful for life.
I had a baby. I am single. Not married. I am LDS. I was scared. I was selfish. I was afraid God would punish me. I thought of the worst possible scenarios all during my pregnancy. This brings me to the depth and actual point of this post. Before I got pregnant with my beautiful baby girl, I learned about three families that had each gone through losing a child. One family was my family; a cousin who lost their daughter. Meet Angel Sadie. One family was a family I heard about and started following their story about the loss of their baby girl. Meet Angel Lucy. And one family was a woman I work with who also lost a baby girl. Meet Angel Makenzie. I remember hearing each story for the first time. My heart breaking each time. Tragedy seeping into the lives of great people who, as far as I know, have not done anything to deserve this. I remember crying endless hours, reading each blog post, not knowing how much they truly hurt. And then I remember thinking "What if God is preparing me by knowing these stories? What if I lose a baby, and He is showing me how to cope." I didn't say this outloud because I was so mad at myself for even thinking it. How selfish of me. How ungrateful of me. This was no way to live my life. I've always been a passionate person. I get a little too into books, imagining life as the main character. This was how it was for me reading these blog posts. Trying to imagine life in the shoes of these three women. I couldn't do it. I couldn't imagine the hurt, the anger, frustration, or ask myself all of those unanswered questions.
Before Brylee arrived I decided that I would do everything in my ability to be the best mom I could every day and love her with everything I had. That I would be the best example I could to her. That I would make sure she has everything she will ever need. Teach her those hard life lessons. And lastly make sure she knows how much I love her and how blessed I am to have her in my life. It's hard sometimes. It's hard at 2 in the morning when she's been screaming for two hours, fighting sleep. I'm so exhausted that I'm falling asleep while I'm rocking her. But then I remember these stories, and I remember to cherish every single minute I have with her. Cherish those moments at 2 am. Cherish her little cries. Cherish her ten toes and fingers. Cherish her little smiles. Cherish that toothless grin I see while she's sleeping. Cherish her smell. Cherish all of that beautiful hair she's got. Cherish her big blue eyes that are always focusing on something. Cherish her personality. Cherish her. That is what God wanted to teach me through these stories. To cherish my daughter, to love every moment with her, to remember it all, to document everything. To take lots of pictures, have lots of laughs, and give lots of hugs and kisses.
I am grateful for these three amazing women who give me courage and hope, help me be the best mother I can be, and for sharing their stories through all of the pain.
3.04.2011
Happy birthday to yooooou.... One month mark!
Brylee, my little cuddle bear- I love you! Today marked your big one month day! I can't believe it's been a month since you arrived. It's been a month that's flown by, but that's because I've enjoyed every minute with you! I love feeding you when I'm so tired at 2 in the morning, and getting spit up all down the front of me. I love kissing your belly and little toes. I love singing your favorite songs to you and having you sing with me. I love when you're sleeping and this huge toothless grin spreads across your face. I love your fake cry, when you're not quite sure what you want or need, because you only really cry when you're hungry. I love that the car ride puts you to sleep and I can blast my Paramore music. And then sing to you at the top of my lungs. Really, you could do everything else wrong and still be the BEST daughter in the whole world because of that.
Moral of the story: This is all so new and exciting to me that and I can't wait to spend the rest of this year (okay... life actually) learning what you love, seeing your personality come out, and loving you more and more everyday.
I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy
Moral of the story: This is all so new and exciting to me that and I can't wait to spend the rest of this year (okay... life actually) learning what you love, seeing your personality come out, and loving you more and more everyday.
I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy
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