I am grateful

I'm not quite sure where to begin with this post. I have so much on my mind, and so much to be grateful for that everything I'm thinking is all jumbled up right now.

Monday, March 7, 2011- Typical day in Utah. Beautiful weather and then BAM, it looks like winter again. Typical day for me and Brylee. Wake up before she does, shower, eat, get myself ready. Check. Bathe, feed and change Brylee when she wakes up. Hang out for a bit and then go to visit grandma. (We still didn't have TV and I needed to see The Bachelor: Women Tell All.) Me and my ridiculous obsession for reality TV. I should have left for home when the storm started. Not typical part of the day- Leave grandma and grandpa's for home around 9:20. Tell them we'll text them when we make it home safely. Make sure to tell them I love them and give them both hugs and kisses. Start the trek home in the crappy weather conditions. Make sure to drive extra slow and careful/cautious. I'm terrified driving on the freeway at this point because there are snow rifts in each lane that my car keeps driving over. Pass 3300 South exit and get the WORST gut feeling in the world. The next bit is a blur but my car spins out of control and into the right lane. Have another car crash into me. Feel my heart sink. My breathing starts to pick up. I can't slow my racing heart down. Get out in the blizzard with no coat on and check on the baby. She's fine; she didn't even wake up. Start praying and thanking Heavenly Father. Cry. Apologize to the men in the other car. Call the cops. Call Bryan. Call mom and dad. Thank Heavenly Father. Cry. Be grateful that we were okay; grateful that we didn't roll; grateful for guardian angels. I am grateful for life.

I had a baby. I am single. Not married. I am LDS. I was scared. I was selfish. I was afraid God would punish me. I thought of the worst possible scenarios all during my pregnancy. This brings me to the depth and actual point of this post. Before I got pregnant with my beautiful baby girl, I learned about three families that had each gone through losing a child. One family was my family; a cousin who lost their daughter. Meet Angel Sadie. One family was a family I heard about and started following their story about the loss of their baby girl. Meet Angel Lucy. And one family was a woman I work with who also lost a baby girl. Meet Angel Makenzie. I remember hearing each story for the first time. My heart breaking each time. Tragedy seeping into the lives of great people who, as far as I know, have not done anything to deserve this. I remember crying endless hours, reading each blog post, not knowing how much they truly hurt. And then I remember thinking "What if God is preparing me by knowing these stories? What if I lose a baby, and He is showing me how to cope." I didn't say this outloud because I was so mad at myself for even thinking it. How selfish of me. How ungrateful of me. This was no way to live my life. I've always been a passionate person. I get a little too into books, imagining life as the main character. This was how it was for me reading these blog posts. Trying to imagine life in the shoes of these three women. I couldn't do it. I couldn't imagine the hurt, the anger, frustration, or ask myself all of those unanswered questions.

Before Brylee arrived I decided that I would do everything in my ability to be the best mom I could every day and love her with everything I had. That I would be the best example I could to her. That I would make sure she has everything she will ever need. Teach her those hard life lessons. And lastly make sure she knows how much I love her and how blessed I am to have her in my life. It's hard sometimes. It's hard at 2 in the morning when she's been screaming for two hours, fighting sleep. I'm so exhausted that I'm falling asleep while I'm rocking her. But then I remember these stories, and I remember to cherish every single minute I have with her. Cherish those moments at 2 am. Cherish her little cries. Cherish her ten toes and fingers. Cherish her little smiles. Cherish that toothless grin I see while she's sleeping. Cherish her smell. Cherish all of that beautiful hair she's got. Cherish her big blue eyes that are always focusing on something. Cherish her personality. Cherish her. That is what God wanted to teach me through these stories. To cherish my daughter, to love every moment with her, to remember it all, to document everything. To take lots of pictures, have lots of laughs, and give lots of hugs and kisses.

I am grateful for these three amazing women who give me courage and hope, help me be the best mother I can be, and for sharing their stories through all of the pain.